Outcome Orientation

October 2 2020

TED* and Family Conversations

Debbie Hulbert 3 Vital Questions, Baby Steps, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Donna Zajonc, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Outcome, Parenting, Practices, Relationships, TED*, TED* @ Home, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation 3 Vital Questions, Baby Steps, change, choice, Coach, communication, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Donna, donna zajonc, Drama, Drama Triangle, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, learning, making shifts happen, mindset, Outcome Orientation, relationships, Shift, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

Lately we have heard stories of how families are exploring together the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)® book to prompt authentic and powerful conversations at home. Since the book is written in a fable format and easy to read, the lifelong lessons of learning to be a Creator are also available to younger folks.

The TED* roles give adults and children, alike, a way to embrace their best self. This week we are excited to share the notes from one of our team members who is reading the Power of TED* to her 7 and 9 year old children as part of their home schooling during the pandemic. Here is a summary of the notes she sent to us:

I read the first chapter of The Power of TED* to my two kids, ages 7 & 9. They have quite a bit of drama in their lives, including having lived through divorce.

I switched careers to be a work-from-home (step)mom. These two children are my life and need some positive reinforcements and stability in their lives. Mine and my husband’s marriage has been rock-solid and has given the kids a glimpse of how marriage should be. Respectful, fun, positive, stable, loving.

The way that TED* is written is perfect for all ages. The storytelling aspect of such a profound framework allows the children to grasp these life-changing ideas.

I asked my kids part-way through chapter 1 to give me an example of when they felt like a Victim. I wanted to respect their privacy, so I will not divulge the many, many examples I was given. Needless to say, they could relate to the Victim role.

I read on to finish the chapter and ended with Creator as the opposite of Victim. I asked them to reflect on the first chapter.

Later in the evening my son randomly shared challenges he had with his sister – especially when not at home with us. We talked through the situation with him and his older sister.

I then asked them to come up with a code word they would use only between themselves when disrespect (drama) arises. They decided on Mew (a Pokémon character). This word was to be used only when the other person was not being respectful of the other. This word would remind them to be courteous and respectful to each other, therefore (ideally) allowing them to reset and not fall into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT).

About a week later I read more chapters to them. We talked about our emotions and how focusing on an ocean (as described in the book) can help them feel calm and try to be still inside and enjoy the moment. The kids picked up on it surprisingly fast.

Today we finished chapter 4 and 5. I know you are not supposed to call someone a Victim. However, that is exactly what I did to show an example of when my son says, “I can’t do it” and huffs and puffs and throws a mini fit. This usually triggers me, and I send him to his room.

I got a huge “aha” and realized I looked to my Rescuer of silence! I am glad I am keeping my journal about homeschooling with TED*!

We’re in chapter 5 and it ended with a cliffhanger and the kids are excited to hear that there is a “good” triangle to counter the “bad.”

Thank you for this work. Kids get it so fast!

Last week we shared a video of how 10 year-old Gabby read the book and her insights. Here is the second video of that conversation. This time Gabby and her mother, Roselyn, talk together about how to apply TED* with friends and at home.

Thanks, again, to Gabby and Roselyn for agreeing to be interviewed!

When you find the courage to let go of the known and embrace the void...you can finally learn how to fly.

August 28 2020

The Trapeze Parable

Debbie Hulbert Challenger, Choice, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Outcome, Practices, Spirituality, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Transform Drama Challenger, change, choice, Creator, growth, innovation, learning, making shifts happen, mindset, Outcome Orientation, Shift, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Transform Drama 0

This parable was written by the late husband of a good friend of ours. How does a trapeze artist learn to pry their fingers off the familiar bar and leap to the one coming at them? Discovering their secret changed the way we now relate to the tension of life. We think it will change your relationship too.

The Trapeze Parable
by Danaan Parry

Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I’m either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments in my life, I’m hurtling across space in between trapeze bars.

Most of the time, I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my trapeze-bar-of-the-moment. It carries me along at a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I’m in control of my life.

I know most of the right questions and even some of the answers.

But every once in a while, as I’m merrily swinging along, I look out ahead of me into the distance and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. It’s empty and I know that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness coming to get me. In my heart of hearts, I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on this present, well-known bar and move to the new one.

Each time it happens to me I hope that I won’t have to let go of my old bar completely before I grab the new one. But, I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar and hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar.

Each time, I am filled with terror. It doesn’t matter that in all my previous hurtles across the void of unknowing I have always made it. Each time I am afraid that I will miss, that I will be crushed on unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between bars.

I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because to keep hanging on to that old bar is no longer an alternative.

It’s called “transition.” I have come to believe that this transition is the only place that real change occurs. I mean real change, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get punched.

I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a “no-thing,” a no-place between places. Sure, the old trapeze bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that’s real, too. But the void in between? Is that just a scary, confusing, disorienting nowhere that must be gotten through as fast and as unconsciously as possible?

NO! What a wasted opportunity that would be. I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is real, and the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid real change, the real growth.

Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out of control that can accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives.

So, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to “hang out” in the transition between trapezes. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where real change happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly.

August 21 2020

Gratitude for an Exciting New Addition!

Debbie Hulbert 3 Vital Questions, Business & The Workplace, Challenger, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Gratitude, Inner Persecutor, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Outcome, Parenting, Pause Practice, Persecutor, Persecutor, Politics & Government, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, Stress, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation, World 3 Vital Questions, Challenger, change, choice, Coach, communication, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Drama, Drama Triangle, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, innovation, learning, listening, making shifts happen, mindset, Outcome Orientation, Pause, Pause Practice, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, stress, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

Over the years, readers have shared their stories with us about how they are applying TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® in their lives. This week we begin an exciting new feature to our weekly blog. We are capturing these stories on video and will be sharing them with you from time to time.

In the brief video below, Ann shares how a gratitude practice helped her family through the first few months of the COVID-19 crisis.

Gratitude is often called a “relationship emotion” because it exists in relationship to others, yourself, or what you are appreciating. It is a complex emotion that doesn’t stand alone because it seeds additional positive emotions.

Gratitude is the best way we know to override the fear that fuels the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). Our human psyche is strongly influenced by negative emotions which is why consciously focusing on gratitude is a game-changer.

When you are in a state of gratitude you become more expansive, open, feel lighter, and more content. In this state, you are cultivating more positive relationships with yourself, and life in general, while nourishing your Creator essence that is always present if you practice tapping into its energy.

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude has many benefits. When you are in a state of gratitude you notice that your mood lifts and you naturally focus on what you like more than what you don’t like. This energetic shift builds momentum and gives you the energy to take action toward what you care about.

These grateful moments become like a magnifying glass that enlarges your focus and connects you to the positive feelings that arise when you focus on what you appreciate. You are literally teaching your neurological system what you value, and in the process, you counter-balance your brain’s tendency to worry about problems.

Ann does a beautiful job of describing how this worked for her personally and with her family and the family business. Thank you, Ann for sharing your story and watch for more videos in the coming weeks!

Dandelion seed blowing in the wind: "When you let go of the need to be right, you open yourself to learn something new"

August 14 2020

Go Against Yourself

Debbie Hulbert Challenger, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Donna Zajonc, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Inner Persecutor, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Outcome, Parenting, Persecutor, Persecutor, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, Stress, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Victim, Victim, World Challenger, change, choice, Coach, communication, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Donna, donna zajonc, Donna Zajonc MCC, Drama Triangle, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, inner persecutor, learning, listening, making shifts happen, mindset, Outcome Orientation, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, stress, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

At the core of the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® work is love and appreciation for others. We first must see others as Creators, whether they act like it or not, before we can be in an empowering, drama-free relationship.

Fear, however, is the emotion that drives all 3 roles of Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor that make up the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). In this trilogy, it is the Persecuting role that most often uses fear and control to dominate other people and situations. Sometimes this happens to us and we don’t even realize it until we are deep into the DDT.

A while ago, we had an occasion to create a new workshop, as well as a keynote speech we delivered together. As we talked about the new programs, we both offered our ideas. Even though we declared we were in brainstorming mode, both of us started advocating for our own ideas, which caused the other to feel persecuted and manipulated.

“I thought we were brainstorming,” Donna said. “We are, but I feel like you didn’t hear my idea before you started talking about yours,” David replied. Yes, we had fallen into the DDT dynamic we call “Victim, Victim… Who’s the Victim?” Fortunately, we both stopped and realized how quickly we had gone into a defensive and persecuting posture—and owned our behavior and refocused on the outcome of what we were creating.

If you discover you are frequently arguing that you are right—even while in brainstorming mode—the Persecutor may be taking root in you. Developing your own opinions is part of becoming an individualized and mature adult. However, when needing to be right is a habit, you will slow the shift from the DDT to the more resourceful TED* roles of Creator, Challenger, and Coach and the creating and co-creating process.

One tip for the Persecutor-self is to let go of the need to be right and “go against yourself.” Intentionally take the opposite position when you feel the need to be right. This will be very uncomfortable at first—which is the point of the exercise.

Notice what it feels like to move away from your own opinion. Observe what it is like to be quiet, genuinely listen to others, and consider the view from a broader vantage point and taking the opposite side.

For well-practiced Persecutors, this can be a highly uncomfortable experience. And that is the point. It is in this discomfort that you will learn how attached you are to your viewpoint and your need to control fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. Be on guard for your need to control the emotional discomfort you may feel. Continue to “go against yourself” and you will be amazed at what you learn from this simple, yet profound, exercise.

By going against yourself, you will begin the journey from Persecutor toward the more resourceful TED* role of Challenger. Challengers call forth learning and growth—for self and others. A conscious and constructive Challenger has a gift for stating what they see or feel without blame or judgment. They are the “truth tellers” in the room, yet have learned that their truth is not necessarily everyone’s truth.

As you cultivate your inner-Challenger, you will discover a new sense of personal freedom and ease, having given up the need to be right. And you might even learn something new!

There is plenty of joy in the world if we are willing to pay attention

July 10 2020

Finding Joy in Troubling Times

Debbie Hulbert 3 Vital Questions, Business & The Workplace, Choice, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, Donna Zajonc, Family, Leadership, Making Shifts Happen, Outcome, Practices, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim, World 1st Vital Question, 3 Vital Questions, change, choice, creativity, Creator, David, David Emerald, Donna, donna zajonc, Donna Zajonc MCC, FISBE, growth, innovation, learning, making shifts happen, mindset, Outcome Orientation, Shift, TED*, The Empowerment Dynamic, Transform Drama, Victim Orientation 0

These are troubling times and everyone is struggling. You may be feeling a bit weary too, as are we. While there is no denying the disruptive realities in our world, we also know that what we focus on has a great deal to do with what shows up in our lives. That is the basis of the 1st Vital Question: “Where are you putting your focus?”

If you devote a lot of your mental energy to all the problems swirling around the news and the internet, it is easy to get stuck in the Victim Orientation, with its fear-based emotions and reactive behaviors. When we do this, frankly, we get exhausted and are not our best self.

David had two experiences this week that helped him realize there is plenty of joy in the world if he was willing to pay attention. These two stories lifted his mood throughout the week and supported him to focus more on the awe in the moment.

The first experience was in a local park where he often walks. He loves the multitude of birds, the flowering vegetation, quaint pond with ducks and the trailing baby ducks, and the wide-open space. The park is large, so it is easy to maintain social distancing, even while being an avid people watcher.

While walking he saw at a distance a little girl, her mother, and an older woman, most likely the grandmother. He guessed the little girl was about 6 or 7 years old, and they clearly were having a good time, laughing and playing together. As he got closer, he saw that they had made a game of throwing an object.

The object they were throwing wasn’t a ball, or Frisbee. It was the little girl’s shoes! The girl and her mom were competing to see who could throw her sneaker the farthest.

David was drawn to their laughter—it was so irresistible and uplifting. He shouted out to them, “Who is the champion shoe thrower?” The little girl threw her arms toward the sky and exclaimed, “Me!”

The joy-filled connection lightened the rest of the walk. On the way home, he listened to a radio interview with a father about how he and his family were managing during the pandemic. The father described the challenge of living in a large urban area, but they were blessed to have a small park nearby. The father shared, “I have young children, so we created a game to look for and explore bugs in the park.” At that point one of the little girls vividly described a centipede, in the way only a young child could. Hearing the description and creativity of looking for bugs brought a smile to David’s face.

Shoes and bugs. Small, daily things that can elicit joy during troubling times.

Donna is exploring her own ways to find joy; riding her bike and feeling the wind in her face, enjoying a cup of tea, tending to colorful flowers in our yard, and reading a great book.

We also asked our team what brings them joy these days and their responses included:

• Playing family games with the kids
• When my dog lays his head on my lap
• Bear hugs from my kids
• Finding a new tomato (especially the first tomato of the season) on a plant
• Seeing a flower bud open and plants grow in my garden
• Sharing a meal with my husband – without phones or any distractions
• Smelling coffee brewing in the morning

And now, we ask you, what brings you joy during these troubling times? Your answers will require that you focus your attention—as a Creator—on what has heart and meaning for you.

We’d love to hear from you if you wish to share.