mistakes

October 9 2020

Brake Before Breaking

Debbie Hulbert Baby Steps, Business & The Workplace, Challenger, Choice, Communication, Creator, Creator Orientation, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Neurobiology, Parenting, Pause Practice, Persecutor, Persecutor, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, Stress, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Victim, Victim Baby Steps, Challenger, change, choice, communication, Creator, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, learning, making shifts happen, mistakes, Pause, Pause Practice, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, stress, TED*, The Power of TED*, Transform Drama, Victim 0

When you hit your breaking point, you may hurt the feelings of others and may say something you regret later, making a difficult situation even worse.

When you reach that moment, chances are you justify what you said or did because that is part of what happens when you reach your breaking point. It is natural to excuse your outburst, causing even more defensiveness on your part and those you likely offended.

What do you do when you reach your breaking point? Do you get angry, shout, feel overloaded, or critical? Maybe you withdraw and avoid others. Or, you may become extra nice, inauthentically trying to be pleasing, which others pick up on.

Each person has their own “go to” habits when they reach their breaking point. If you ignore these signs, you will surely get stuck in the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT), and its roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer.

When driving a vehicle, if you see a construction zone ahead, what do you do? You slow down, keep your eye on the road, read all the signs and pay attention to those directing traffic.

You can do much the same in life. You can become aware of your automatic reactive habits and avoid causing a personal accident if you learn to brake and slow down before you reach your breaking point.

If you do this when driving a car, you can do it for yourself, for your own health, and the well-being of those around you. When you anticipate your breaking point, you can “pull over” (pause) and readjust your speed and expectations.

If you see a construction zone you might get frustrated, but you also know there is nothing you can do. It is a great time to relax, turn on some music, and slow down.

Here are a few tips to learn to brake before breaking:

First, know what your “go to” reactive habits are when you are approaching your breaking point. What are your thoughts? What do you feel in your body? What emotions arise? Again, everyone is different, so pay extra careful attention to your unique signs.

Second, as you become more familiar with your signs, trust them just as you would trust the flagger directing traffic. Your body, your thoughts, and your emotions are trying very hard to get your attention, and to get you to slow down and take care of yourself.

Third, share your breaking signs with others so they are aware of your habits. This can require being vulnerable with others, because often we are ashamed of previous behaviors when we reached our breaking point. Sharing your signs and voicing them out loud to loved ones (and co-workers, if appropriate), acts as a release valve and lessens the probability of future outbursts.

Notice that breaking happens to you and in reaction to something you don’t like. When you brake, you are taking a few moments to be in self-control, slow down, and choose how you will respond.

In Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor’s famous book and TED Talk, My Stroke of Insight, she described her recovery from a massive stroke. Dr. Taylor is a brain scientist and explained that emotions take only 90 seconds from the moment they are triggered to running their course through your body. If they run any longer, it is usually because you failed to brake, pause, and allow them to move through you.

Give yourself a brake before breaking! And be a thousand times more generous with yourself than you would with your car when braking for safety’s sake.

June 12 2020

Take an Intentional Pause

Debbie Hulbert Baby Steps, Business & The Workplace, Choice, Communication, Creator, David Emerald, DDT, Donna Zajonc, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Inner Persecutor, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, News, Pause Practice, Persecutor, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, Stress, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim, World Baby Steps, change, choice, communication, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Donna, donna zajonc, Donna Zajonc MCC, Dreaded Drama Triangle, learning, listening, making shifts happen, mindset, mistakes, Pause, Pause Practice, relationships, Shift, stress, The Empowerment Dynamic, Transform Drama, Victim 0

Since the beginning of the pandemic, life has changed in countless ways. You may appreciate this break to reset how you live and work. Of course, for many it is a scary and extremely difficult time of uncertainty.

Several years ago, a high-tech executive coined the phrase “continuous partial attention” or the new CPA. She observed that most people today pay constant attention to multiple digital connections so as not to miss anything. This means that our focus is on constant high alert and always paying partial attention, knowing that any second something new is coming.

As creatures on high alert, we are focused on, and trying to anticipate, the next thing that might come at us. This describes the times in which we live. Here in the US, the ongoing pandemic plus the intense outrage over systemic racism has created a deep divide and disruption.

As a result, you may be constantly paying attention to the news and experiencing your own bout of CPA. The trouble is this “always on” way of living can fray your nerves and make things even worse.

Whatever your situation, we encourage you to take as many moments as possible for intentional pauses during your day.

A pause, for even a few seconds, reduces your need to respond to the drama of the moment. Pausing builds your capacity to handle the anxiety that arises when fear, uncertainty, or fatigue show up to trigger the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) roles of Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer.

Donna recently had an opportunity to practice an intentional pause. After a long day on emails and “zooming” she wanted to talk with David about something that had happened earlier in the day. David said: “I am really tired, honey. Can we talk in the morning?”

When David didn’t have the energy to listen, she felt a knot in her stomach and heard a whisper: “If he doesn’t want to listen to me, he must not value me.”

When Donna hit the pause button, she had the space to broaden her viewpoint about David’s statement and came up with three other possibilities: (1) David is so tired it would have been tough for him to listen. (2) I will laugh in the morning when I remember I thought David does not value me. (3) He rode 20 miles on his bike today, so no wonder he is tired!

Once Donna paused, she had the energy to broaden her perspective and then the freedom to choose, rather than react, to the Victim voice in her head.

When you pause, you have a better chance of considering other perspectives and new “stories” about what may be happening. The human compulsion to react will almost always hijack your best intentions if you are attached to one drama-filled story.

The stressful uncertainly that faces the world, and our lives, will take a toll on your health and relationships if you do not purposefully pause, breathe, and learn to settle yourself. Learning to pause for just a moment is one of the easiest yet most profound new habits you can build into your life.

A friend recently said to us, “During this pandemic and being at home more, I am learning to pause, slow down, and have healthier conversations.” What simple advice!

A pause can simply be a moment when you put your phone down, close your computer screen, and take a few deep breaths, or a brief walk around the block. Gathering a flower bouquet for your table or walking your pet are wonderful ways to pause. The key is that the pause, however brief, is purposeful and intentional – it is a nourishing gift to yourself.

During this time of great global disruption, give yourself the gift of an intentional personal pause as often as possible.

Etch-A-Sketch on table: "As you learn and adjust to this eveolving moment, you can always draw a new picture of your life."

May 29 2020

Etch-A-Sketch Time

Debbie Hulbert Business & The Workplace, Challenger, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, David Emerald, Donna Zajonc, Family, Inner Persecutor, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Outcome, Parenting, Pause Practice, Practices, Relationships, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Victim Orientation, World Challenger, change, choice, Coach, communication, Creator, David Emerald, donna zajonc, growth, learning, listening, making shifts happen, mindset, mistakes, Pause, Pause Practice, Persecutor, relationships, Shift, stress, The Power of TED*, Victim Orientation 0

We are going to show our age in this essay!

We both grew up as Baby Boomers, spending hours playing and creating with our Etch-A-Sketch (if you don’t know what one is, click on the link).

Using two knobs, you can create pictures and designs that get etched on the screen. When you want to erase it, you simply turn it over, gently shake, and the etching disappears. Then you turn it over and make something new.

By analogy, we see this time of navigating through the global COVID-19 pandemic as an Etch-A-Sketch time for humanity, and for all of us individually.

Our world has been turned upside-down and has shaken to our core much of what we once knew. The picture we had drawn about our life suddenly became hazy and poorly drawn.

As we attempt to redraw a new picture you, like us, are probably wondering what the new picture will look like. Will what you think is your new picture soon be turned up-side down and erased just as fast? Our collective dis-ease is palpable, yet we all have an urge to draw a new picture we love because that is our nature as Creators.

This time will always carry a distinction for those of us living through it. Life will be known as “before the virus” and “after the virus.” This is much like other traumatic times that have set before-and-after markers: before-and-after 9/11; before-and-after “the war” (pick one); before-and-after “Brexit,” etc.

We are currently in the “between time”—between the picture of life as you knew it and whatever the new picture you will draw. Not knowing what the new picture looks like is filled with anxiety and ripe for drama and reactivity.

A team member recently shared a story symbolic of the situation:

“I got seriously triggered the other day and, sadly, it lasted a couple days. I couldn’t seem to shake the mood I was in. Then my daughter (acting far too old for her age) looked up at me and asked, “Do you need a reset?” I looked over at her and said, “Yep – thanks!”

“Turns out she does listen from time to time. I got hugs from both the kids, I apologized for my attitude, they forgave me, and I was able to start my day over.”

When we received this email, we immediately thought of the Etch-A-Sketch moment and then the next day we saw an article in our local newspaper with the headline “Resetting Normal” and the illustration was, to our surprise, of an Etch-A-Sketch!

No matter what you label this time; a reset, an etch-a-sketch moment, or the do-over idea we wrote about last week, the concept is the same. You can always start again. You can always redraw the picture you want for your life.

The question is, what do you want to remember that you drew on your Etch-A-Sketch when you remember this period of your life?

As a client of ours so powerfully put forward in an essay targeted to this time, “When we look back, let’s be proud of what we’ve become.”

This powerful inquiry is beginning for our world, nations, and our communities. Let it first begin at a personal level by asking yourself: “How do I want to emerge from this in-between time?”

Begin drawing your new picture now. Remember that as you learn and adjust to this evolving moment, you can always redraw a new picture of your life. You can always begin again.

colorful background, Take a “do over” moment when you have said something or made a mistake you want to correct. It is possible to declare: “Time out – I want to take a do-over!” and start again.

May 22 2020

You Always Get A Do-Over

Debbie Hulbert Baby Steps, Business & The Workplace, Challenger, Choice, Communication, Creator, Creator Orientation, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Inner Persecutor, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Neurobiology, Outcome, Parenting, Pause Practice, Persecutor, Persecutor, Politics & Government, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, Spirituality, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation, World Baby Steps, Challenger, change, choice, communication, Creator, DDT, Drama Triangle, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, inner persecutor, learning, listening, making shifts happen, mindset, mistakes, Pause, Pause Practice, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, stress, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

Watching a young toddler play the “peek-a-boo” game is such joy. It’s the laughter and connecting that elicits the giggles each time the toddler yells; “Do it again!”

Wouldn’t it be great if you could take a “do over” moment when you have said something you didn’t mean, or you make a mistake you want to correct? It is possible that you could declare to others: “Time out – I want to take a do-over!” and start again.

Embracing the idea of taking a “do-over” gives you space to keep practicing and can reduce getting discouraged if your reactive habits keep coming up. The “do-over” practice has inspired us to be kind to ourselves when we go reactive and fall into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). Yes, it happens to us too—it is part of the human experience!

Unfortunately, we often hear that people can become even more self-critical after they learn about TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^®. They tell us that, with their awareness of the DDT and the roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer and, now, the “antidote” of the TED* roles, they believe they “should” be able to stop themselves from slipping into these toxic roles.

There may be many reasons why you become triggered and fall into the DDT. You may catch yourself being judgmental of a family member, instead of seeing them as a Creator. Feeling guilty for saying something harsh to another, you may engage your inner-Persecutor and beat yourself up. Or you may fall into trying to fix or change someone in your family by adopting the role of Rescuer and doing for them they could do for themselves.

As we often say, this work is simple but not easy. So, we need compassion—for self and others—in the “two steps up to one step back” process of practicing the empowered TED* ways of thinking, relating, and taking action. “Do-overs” are a way of resetting.

Just noticing when drama gets going is a huge step forward. Then you can pause, and say, “I will do this over. I am going to try again.” This relieves yourself of the pressure and grandiose expectations by just starting over. Whatever your focus and desire, give yourself the gift of space and grace to begin again.

And when you take a “do-over,” it encourages and invites others around you to also take their “do-over” moments when they arise. All human beings want to grow and change and “do-overs” encourage learning. How amazing it would be if your entire family or work group took responsibility to pause, stop, and do things over when drama moments happen!

Developing a “do-over” practice will nurture your willingness to stay focused on the outcomes you want in your life. We recommend these steps to help you cultivate a “do-over” practice:

Notice when you get triggered into the DDT. Notice rather than judge and then pause. What are the circumstances or situation? What can you say or do differently?
Or, if the time has passed, look back and take responsibility for what you have done or said and identify a way you could have been more empowering to yourself and others.
Then, if at all possible, call a “do-over” and begin again with a new attitude of compassion and openness and responsibility.

Adopting a beginner’s mind and a child-like attitude will help you to use the “do-over” exercise with a playful approach. This will build your resilience and give you energy to keep moving forward.

Living through this pandemic is teaching us all a new way to live—learning to pause, slow down, and choose a more empowered lifestyle. It takes time and beginning again, over, and over, and over.

April 24 2020

Assume Innocent Intent

Debbie Hulbert Business & The Workplace, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Parenting, Persecutor, Persecutor, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Victim, Victim change, choice, Coach, communication, Creator, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, learning, listening, making shifts happen, mindset, mistakes, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, stress, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Victim 0

Dear Readers,

This week we are republishing an essay from a year ago because we feel the topic is so relevant to today’s challenges. When you read the first paragraph you will chuckle because life is so different now, yet the core message can support you, your families, and co-workers through these times. Here’s to the Creator in you! David and Donna

Picture this scene: You are rushing out the door from work heading to soccer practice to pick up your young daughter. Your boss catches you and says, “We really need your project report in the morning.”

“Sure” you say, “it’s all but done. See you tomorrow,” and you keep running to your car.

On the way to soccer practice you obsess about your boss’s demand that you finish a report that originally wasn’t due for another week. In your mind, your story grows, you fill-in more details and become certain this is just an attempt to control you.

We humans are storytelling machines! An event happens and we fixate on the beginning, middle, and end of the story… whether we have the facts or not. We just want to make sense out of what’s going on and tend to attribute a motivation to the other person’s actions or statement. We often do this unconsciously.

One reason we humans fill-in-the-blanks of what is happening is to try and make sense of ambiguous situations. If things are certain in our minds, we feel more comfortable about what’s going on. The downside of this trait is that we can make unintended Persecutors, Victims, and Rescuers out of people and situations that simply are not accurate. All three of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) roles can emerge when we assume we know someone’s intent.

Back to the story: The boss meets you in the coffee room the next morning.

“Good morning. Hey, sorry I didn’t explain last night why I wanted your report a week early. You were rushing out the door and I didn’t want to bother you with a long explanation. Hopefully I didn’t catch you off guard or cause you to worry. Your reports are so well organized, I wanted to share it with others on the team who are asking for more direction prior to that important meeting we are having with the client.”

Wow! You missed lots of valuable information about this situation that could have saved an evening of angst if you had adopted the mantra: assume innocent intent.

Even in the healthiest workplaces and relationships, “stuff happens.” As you go through your day, something unanticipated is going to occur—an email arrives that conveys a confusing or upsetting message; a co-worker, spouse, or friend is late to a meeting or a meal; you “hear through the grapevine” that someone has said something about you that isn’t true.

If you assume innocent intent you can create an opening for connecting, at least until there is more information. It also allows you to calm down, listen, and learn more about what is going on. It is not necessary to assume positive intent. While that might be useful, assuming innocent intent allows for a neutral space to simply be with what is happening when a situation is unclear.

By seeing and relating to others as Co-Creators, when stuff happens (and it will), it is important to assume that there is innocent intent behind their statements and actions and to check it out.

Here are a couple of tips for checking out the intention of another when stuff happens:

If you feel triggered and going reactive, give yourself time to pause and remind yourself of your new mantra: assume innocent intent.
Respond from the Coach role in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic). For example, you might directly ask “What is your intent? What do you really want in this situation? It would be helpful for me to know where you are coming from.”

Give yourself and others a break when stuff happens. By assuming innocent intent, you will cultivate the Creator in you while nourishing the Creator in others to shine forth.