Drama

TED* and Family Conversations

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Lately we have heard stories of how families are exploring together the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)® book to prompt authentic and powerful conversations at home.   Since the book is written in a fable format and easy to read, the lifelong lessons of learning to be a Creator are also available to younger folks.

The TED* roles give adults and children, alike, a way to embrace their best self.  This week we are excited to share the notes from one of our team members who is reading the Power of TED* to her 7 and 9 year old children as part of their home schooling during the pandemic.  Here is a summary of the notes she sent to us:

I read the first chapter of The Power of TED* to my two kids, ages 7 & 9. They have quite a bit of drama in their lives, including having lived through divorce.  

I switched careers to be a work-from-home (step)mom. These two children are my life and need some positive reinforcements and stability in their lives. Mine and my husband’s marriage has been rock-solid and has given the kids a glimpse of how marriage should be.  Respectful, fun, positive, stable, loving. 

The way that TED* is written is perfect for all ages. The storytelling aspect of such a profound framework allows the children to grasp these life-changing ideas. 

I asked my kids part-way through chapter 1 to give me an example of when they felt like a Victim. I wanted to respect their privacy, so I will not divulge the many, many examples I was given. Needless to say, they could relate to the Victim role.  

I read on to finish the chapter and ended with Creator as the opposite of Victim. I asked them to reflect on the first chapter.  

Later in the evening my son randomly shared challenges he had with his sister – especially when not at home with us.  We talked through the situation with him and his older sister.  

I then asked them to come up with a code word they would use only between themselves when disrespect (drama) arises. They decided on Mew (a Pokémon character). This word was to be used only when the other person was not being respectful of the other. This word would remind them to be courteous and respectful to each other, therefore (ideally) allowing them to reset and not fall into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT).

About a week later I read more chapters to them.  We talked about our emotions and how focusing on an ocean (as described in the book) can help them feel calm and try to be still inside and enjoy the moment.  The kids picked up on it surprisingly fast.  

Today we finished chapter 4 and 5. I know you are not supposed to call someone a Victim.  However, that is exactly what I did to show an example of when my son says, “I can’t do it” and huffs and puffs and throws a mini fit. This usually triggers me, and I send him to his room.   

I got a huge “aha” and realized I looked to my Rescuer of silence!  I am glad I am keeping my journal about homeschooling with TED*!   

We’re in chapter 5 and it ended with a cliffhanger and the kids are excited to hear that there is a “good” triangle to counter the “bad.” 

Thank you for this work.  Kids get it so fast! 

Last week we shared a video of how 10 year-old Gabby read the book and her insights. Here is the second video of that conversation.  This time Gabby and her mother, Roselyn, talk together about how to apply TED* with friends and at home.

Thanks, again, to Gabby and Roselyn for agreeing to be interviewed!

seeking to live as a Creator does not mean you are exempt from being victimized by difficult situations

The Reality of Victimization

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As we worked on this week’s “TED* Works!” essay, Donna received word that a long-time, very dear friend’s house had perished in one of the Oregon wildfires. At nearly the same time, she also learned that her niece had been hospitalized for dangerous pregnancy complications that requires long-term hospitalization.

The shock and grief of the news caused us to stop working on the planned piece. The result is this shorter-than-normal weekly essay.

The reality for all of us is that there are times that we experience some form of victimization. Almost everyone today feels overwhelm from a distressing situation, be it home-schooling children while still working, losing your job, health crisis, storms, fires, and so much more. For those of us in the US, today is the nineteenth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks—a reminder of more tragic events.

Victimization is a reality of the human experience.

Seeking to live as a Creator does not mean you are suddenly and miraculously exempt from being victimized by difficult situations.

In our workshops, we encourage participants to reflect upon the difference between victimization and Victimhood. Victimhood, in our view, is a way of being that can become a source of identity, living from a feeling of being powerless in face of problems. As we often say, the 3 Vital Questions® and TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)® work stands as a Challenger to Victimhood, while acknowledging the reality of victimization.

The question is how, as a Creator, do you deal with this reality of victimization?

First, from your Creator Orientation toward life, do your best to remember that you are ultimately “at choice” as to how you respond to the Challengers that arise in your human experience. The choices may be narrow, but accepting that you have the power to choose is empowering.

Second, allow yourself to feel your feelings. There were a lot of tears and sadness last night in our home. At times it is essential to “stop the presses” of your daily life and allow yourself room to feel. The pause may be momentary, or it may take extended time to move through the event. Please do not minimize the role of allowing your feelings to flow and support your healing.

You have surely had your own experiences of victimization—and may be in the midst of one now. Have heaps of self-compassion for yourself, and others, who are also experiencing their moments of victimization. As a Creator, move through it all one micro-Baby Step at a time.

These are the steps we are taking this week. We will return next week with another essay.

Learn to see others as genuinely resourceful with their own unique gifts

The Rescuer’s Delusion

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In the 1960’s Dr. Stephen Karpman first described the three reactive and problem-focused roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer that he named the Drama Triangle.  One role—that of Rescuer—is especially familiar to us.  We often say that we are both “recovering Rescuers.”

The Rescuer role is the “pain reliever” in the Drama Triangle and focuses on those who need help (or so the Rescuer interprets).   If you are stuck in the Rescuer role, you may deny that you have any needs and your internal dialogue may be: “I would rather be helpful to others and fix the world’s problems than focus on my own needs.”

There are at least three central delusions that explain the Rescuer’s obsessive focus on others and their circumstances:

Delusion #1:

  1. When in the Rescuer role, the deep longing is that, by helping others, you will someday get your own needs met.

Rescuers are proud to be a helper and fixer of other people’s problems. Inwardly the Rescuer loves being a hero and believes this is the only way they will feel worthwhile as a human being.  Eventually others will love them for their good deeds and being so helpful.   The ultimate fear is ending up alone and not being needed.

Delusion #2:

  1. Rescuers believe that, ultimately, a Victim will learn to take responsibility for their own needs.

The Rescuer sees the Victim as temporarily unable to take care of themselves, which justifies their intervention and can unknowingly create a cycle of disempowerment for the person in the Victim role.  But why should the Victim take responsibility if the Rescuer is going to do it for them?   The more the Rescuer intervenes, the less accountable those in the Victim role will be for their own life.

Delusion #3:

  1. Rescuers fail to recognize how they become a magnet for more Victims.

When in the Rescuer role it is amazing how often you may attract needy people.  The person playing the Victim role may say to you: “I really need your help because no one else can fix this like you can.”  If this is music to your ears, you may become unconscious to how often you scan the environment looking for people who need your help.  This explains why there are often people with a Victim mentality who become irresponsible and chronically disempowered with Rescuers surrounding them that feed their disempowerment.

When you relate to others through TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)® you see everyone as a Creator — as being ultimately resourceful, capable, and whole.  While lending a helping hand, you can do so based upon what they tell you they need for themselves, not what you decide for them.

As a co-Creator, you value the right of others to choose their response to life’s challenges. You know that sometimes people stumble along the road of learning and growth.  Slowing down and learning to pause, knowing the world will go on even if you are not rescuing it, can help you to transform your identity as a Rescuer.

If you observe yourself in the Rescuing role, check to see if one or more of the three delusions are operating in your life.  If so, take note and allow yourself the compassion to understand the nature of the Rescuer role that takes root, from time to time, in all of us.

Learn to see others as genuinely resourceful with their own unique gifts.  Ask them what they might need from you, and then be ready to assist them in their time of temporary need—as the co-Creators you both are.

David Emerald Interviews Ann Sheu

Gratitude for an Exciting New Addition!

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Over the years, readers have shared their stories with us about how they are applying TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)® in their lives. This week we begin an exciting new feature to our weekly blog. We are capturing these stories on video and will be sharing them with you from time to time.

In the brief video below, Ann shares how a gratitude practice helped her family through the first few months of the COVID-19 crisis.

Gratitude is often called a “relationship emotion” because it exists in relationship to others, yourself, or what you are appreciating. It is a complex emotion that doesn’t stand alone because it seeds additional positive emotions.

Gratitude is the best way we know to override the fear that fuels the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). Our human psyche is strongly influenced by negative emotions which is why consciously focusing on gratitude is a game-changer.

When you are in a state of gratitude you become more expansive, open, feel lighter, and more content. In this state, you are cultivating more positive relationships with yourself, and life in general, while nourishing your Creator essence that is always present if you practice tapping into its energy.

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude has many benefits. When you are in a state of gratitude you notice that your mood lifts and you naturally focus on what you like more than what you don’t like. This energetic shift builds momentum and gives you the energy to take action toward what you care about.

These grateful moments become like a magnifying glass that enlarges your focus and connects you to the positive feelings that arise when you focus on what you appreciate. You are literally teaching your neurological system what you value, and in the process, you counter-balance your brain’s tendency to worry about problems.

Ann does a beautiful job of describing how this worked for her personally and with her family and the family business. Thank you, Ann for sharing your story and watch for more videos in the coming weeks!

kite with words: The kite flies because it uses the wind for it, not against it.

How to Work with Stress and Overwhelm

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This pandemic has created new ways of working and living together. It has also created enormous tension and stress.
Stress can be defined as, “What we feel when we are facing too many demands and fear we may not live up to it.” Many families are facing another year of demands, working from home, and children home schooled, to name just a few. This stress may continue to rise to the level of overwhelm, with simply too much on your plate.
There is no panacea for how to work with this pandemic stress. We would, however, like to offer a simple way to work with it that comes from the 3rd Vital Question: “What actions are you taking?” We call it the 3-step dance and goes like this:
  • What do you want?
  • What do you have?
  • What’s next?
The difference between what you say you want, and your current reality, is “the gap.” In this gap there is an energetic force we call Dynamic Tension. The term is borrowed from physics and describes a vigorous force that actively pulls in opposite directions between two opposing poles.
Doesn’t that perfectly describe life today? We want something different from what we actually have, and those two polar opposites are pulling us apart, causing stress and overwhelm.
The 3-step dance is designed to leverage the tension in the gap to work for you, not against you. If you can learn to recognize this invisible force in the gap, you can leverage it as a source of positive energy. Easier said than done, we know, but let us explain how this 3-step dance can support you.
Here are two metaphors to illustrate our point. A kite cannot fly unless wind is blowing in its face to thrust it upward. A sailboat is dead in the water if there’s not wind in its sail, propelling it forward. Both the kite and sailboat use dynamic tension to propel them forward.
When you declare what you want, there is an energetic force that pulls you in that direction, while your current reality pulls you in the opposite direction. This invisible power in the gap can be overwhelming if you do not know how to use the energy.
The secret is to relax into the tension and recognize the power as a creative force that works for you, not against you.
Once you acknowledge this creative force, you are ready to begin the 3-step dance by clarifying what you want. You may need to whittle down to the bare bones your top priority right now and learn to say “no” to everything else.
The next step is to tell yourself the truth about the current reality, without either minimizing or catastrophizing. Because human beings lean toward interpreting a situation with personal stories and previous experiences, blame and judgment is common. You gotta let go of blame—it will quickly get you off the dance floor and into more overwhelm. Instead of blame, ask more reflective questions:
  • What is true that I am not yet facing?
  • Is there anything I am avoiding?
The dynamic tension is now set with the first two steps pulling in opposite direction. The third step is to take just one Baby Step, which relieves the tension and moves you closer to what you want. Getting into action reduces stress and overwhelm. Read more about the magic of Baby Steps here.
The power in the 3-step dance is to leverage the energy in the two points between what you say you want and what you really have and then take just one step. You don’t have to have it all figured out! Be kind to yourself as you dance the 3-step dance—during this difficult time and beyond.

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