World

September 25 2020

TED* Is Not Just for Grown-Ups

Debbie Hulbert Baby Steps, Challenger, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Parenting, Persecutor, Persecutor, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, TED*, TED* @ Home, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation, Victimization, World Baby Steps, Challenger, change, choice, Coach, coaching, communication, creativity, Creator, David, Drama Triangle, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, learning, making shifts happen, mindset, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

Earlier this week, David was on a Zoom session with a group of individuals who have read The Power of TED*. During introductions, several participants shared that they want to take the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® work to youth and into schools.

At the same time, many, many parents are faced with the reality of home-schooling their children during the COVID pandemic. We were recently inspired to learn that one of our teammates is teaching TED* to her 7 and 9-year-old children and that they are “totally getting it.”

This past summer, prior to the start of school, we received an email from a mother (Roselyn) about her experience of encouraging, Gabby, her 10-year-old daughter, to read TED*.

Here is Roselyn’s message to us:

I recall us being in our small home library when Gabby began reading TED* (after acquiescing to mommy’s week-long cajoling to take up the book), and how pleasantly surprised she was after just the first few pages. Like me, she LOVES to read, and she instantly loved that it’s told in a narrative style.

With each page turn, she got more inquisitive—interjecting her reading with musing aloud about the main character’s fate, sympathizing with the man. She instinctively began to see herself in those roles and cited to me examples of how she, and others, show up in those roles; she quickly discovered the juxtaposition of the roles: “Oh! can’t have one without the other Mommy!” she quipped, “victim–rescuer; victim-persecutor…”

David, it was such a precious gift to see her, at 10, unfolding this rich model and begin to internalize it introspectively. At one point I said to her, “Sweetheart, blessed are you for learning this now. Many people live their entire lives oblivious to these ideas. And how tragic that is!”

A little while later, Roselyn wrote:

Gabby finally finished reading TED yesterday and she’s ecstatic; she’s mulling it over as she often does when she’s completed a work… stopping to check in with new insights.

Moved by hearing about their mother-daughter experience, we asked if we could record an interview with them—to which they readily agreed!

This is the first in a two-part series from that interview about how The Power of TED* can be used by a family to initiate a conversion that will impact the lifetime of a young person. It also illustrates that TED* is not just for grown-ups!

In this video, 10-year-old Gabby shares with David her experience with the book:

September 18 2020

Name It to Tame It

Debbie Hulbert Challenger, Coach, Communication, Creator, Creator Orientation, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Neurobiology, Parenting, Pause Practice, Practices, Relationships, Stress, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Transform Drama, Victim, World brain, Challenger, change, choice, Coach, communication, Creator, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, learning, making shifts happen, mindset, Pause, Pause Practice, relationships, Shift, stress, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Transform Drama, Victim 0

High drama means high emotions. And when your emotions hijack you, they take over your ability to express yourself and make good decisions.

Have you ever been so upset that you feel like you are “losing your mind?” With all that is happening in the world today, many express this in various ways. Fear and uncertainty can lead to “not thinking straight.”

This happens because the part of your brain that controls your ability to communicate your unique experience can shut down, leaving you literally speechless.

The executive part of your brain doesn’t work well with strong emotions, which can frustrate you even more, locking you into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) . We have all had brilliant insights, after the fact, that we wished we would have thought of in the moment but couldn’t at the time because the language part of our brain was overshadowed by the emotional brain.

After your emotional storm passes you may feel more ashamed and victimized by the torrent of your emotions. Or you may become defensive and strike out, blaming others for the situation that caused your strong emotions and drama.

Emotions are fuel that propels you into action. Positive emotions tell you what you care about and give you energy to create what you want. Heavier, darker emotions inform you about those things to avoid and, thus, can protect you. Emotions are a core aspect of your human experience, as we wrote about last week in “The Reality of Victimization” essay.

But when emotions overwhelm you and prevent you from being the person and leader you want to be, it is important to have simple tools that can help restore your balance.

“Name it to tame it” is a phrase coined by author and psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel. By putting this simple tool to work, your emotions can inform you and not overwhelm you. Here are the basics of how “name it to tame it” works:

When you are in high drama and are having an intense emotional response, your limbic brain starts pumping stress hormones to your muscles to tighten and prepare you for action. This fight-flight mechanism is deeply wired inside your nervous system and takes over. This is a good thing if you are alone in a dark alley to help protect yourself—not a good thing if you are running a staff meeting and get angry at a co-worker.

Once you notice you are having a strong emotional reaction, the next step is to describe, or name it—whether to yourself or out loud. For example, saying mentally “I am feeling angry” or “I have a tight ball of nerves in my gut.” Choosing words to describe subtle emotions jump-starts your executive brain and calms down your emotional limbic brain.

Calmly hover over your emotions, which gives your executive brain time to filter and organize your reactive, drama-filled emotions.

Now you have a greater capacity to choose your response in the moment. This is when stepping into the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® roles of Creator, Challenger, and Coach become possible.

It is important to build your capacity to be with strong emotions. If not, you may become fearful of your emotions, especially anger, and shut them down. The cost of restricting your emotions may lead to shutting down all emotion, including your sources of joy and pleasure.

The key is strengthening your ability to monitor your emotions and body sensations by naming and taming them—not allowing them to hijack your ability to think and make good decisions—and feel the joy!

seeking to live as a Creator does not mean you are exempt from being victimized by difficult situations

September 11 2020

The Reality of Victimization

Debbie Hulbert 3 Vital Questions, Baby Steps, Baby Steps, Challenger, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Donna Zajonc, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Gratitude, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, News, Parenting, Pause Practice, Politics & Government, Practices, Stress, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation, Victimization, World 3 Vital Questions, Baby Steps, Challenger, choice, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Donna, donna zajonc, Donna Zajonc MCC, Drama, Dreaded Drama Triangle, making shifts happen, mindset, Pause, Pause Practice, Shift, stress, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

As we worked on this week’s “TED* Works!” essay, Donna received word that a long-time, very dear friend’s house had perished in one of the Oregon wildfires. At nearly the same time, she also learned that her niece had been hospitalized for dangerous pregnancy complications that requires long-term hospitalization.

The shock and grief of the news caused us to stop working on the planned piece. The result is this shorter-than-normal weekly essay.

The reality for all of us is that there are times that we experience some form of victimization. Almost everyone today feels overwhelm from a distressing situation, be it home-schooling children while still working, losing your job, health crisis, storms, fires, and so much more. For those of us in the US, today is the nineteenth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks—a reminder of more tragic events.

Victimization is a reality of the human experience.

Seeking to live as a Creator does not mean you are suddenly and miraculously exempt from being victimized by difficult situations.

In our workshops, we encourage participants to reflect upon the difference between victimization and Victimhood. Victimhood, in our view, is a way of being that can become a source of identity, living from a feeling of being powerless in face of problems. As we often say, the 3 Vital Questions^® and TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® work stands as a Challenger to Victimhood, while acknowledging the reality of victimization.

The question is how, as a Creator, do you deal with this reality of victimization?

First, from your Creator Orientation toward life, do your best to remember that you are ultimately “at choice” as to how you respond to the Challengers that arise in your human experience. The choices may be narrow, but accepting that you have the power to choose is empowering.

Second, allow yourself to feel your feelings. There were a lot of tears and sadness last night in our home. At times it is essential to “stop the presses” of your daily life and allow yourself room to feel. The pause may be momentary, or it may take extended time to move through the event. Please do not minimize the role of allowing your feelings to flow and support your healing.

You have surely had your own experiences of victimization—and may be in the midst of one now. Have heaps of self-compassion for yourself, and others, who are also experiencing their moments of victimization. As a Creator, move through it all one micro-Baby Step at a time.

These are the steps we are taking this week. We will return next week with another essay.

August 21 2020

Gratitude for an Exciting New Addition!

Debbie Hulbert 3 Vital Questions, Business & The Workplace, Challenger, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Gratitude, Inner Persecutor, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Outcome, Parenting, Pause Practice, Persecutor, Persecutor, Politics & Government, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, Stress, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation, World 3 Vital Questions, Challenger, change, choice, Coach, communication, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Drama, Drama Triangle, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, innovation, learning, listening, making shifts happen, mindset, Outcome Orientation, Pause, Pause Practice, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, stress, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

Over the years, readers have shared their stories with us about how they are applying TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® in their lives. This week we begin an exciting new feature to our weekly blog. We are capturing these stories on video and will be sharing them with you from time to time.

In the brief video below, Ann shares how a gratitude practice helped her family through the first few months of the COVID-19 crisis.

Gratitude is often called a “relationship emotion” because it exists in relationship to others, yourself, or what you are appreciating. It is a complex emotion that doesn’t stand alone because it seeds additional positive emotions.

Gratitude is the best way we know to override the fear that fuels the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). Our human psyche is strongly influenced by negative emotions which is why consciously focusing on gratitude is a game-changer.

When you are in a state of gratitude you become more expansive, open, feel lighter, and more content. In this state, you are cultivating more positive relationships with yourself, and life in general, while nourishing your Creator essence that is always present if you practice tapping into its energy.

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude has many benefits. When you are in a state of gratitude you notice that your mood lifts and you naturally focus on what you like more than what you don’t like. This energetic shift builds momentum and gives you the energy to take action toward what you care about.

These grateful moments become like a magnifying glass that enlarges your focus and connects you to the positive feelings that arise when you focus on what you appreciate. You are literally teaching your neurological system what you value, and in the process, you counter-balance your brain’s tendency to worry about problems.

Ann does a beautiful job of describing how this worked for her personally and with her family and the family business. Thank you, Ann for sharing your story and watch for more videos in the coming weeks!

Dandelion seed blowing in the wind: "When you let go of the need to be right, you open yourself to learn something new"

August 14 2020

Go Against Yourself

Debbie Hulbert Challenger, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Donna Zajonc, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Inner Persecutor, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Outcome, Parenting, Persecutor, Persecutor, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, Stress, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Victim, Victim, World Challenger, change, choice, Coach, communication, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Donna, donna zajonc, Donna Zajonc MCC, Drama Triangle, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, inner persecutor, learning, listening, making shifts happen, mindset, Outcome Orientation, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, stress, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

At the core of the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® work is love and appreciation for others. We first must see others as Creators, whether they act like it or not, before we can be in an empowering, drama-free relationship.

Fear, however, is the emotion that drives all 3 roles of Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor that make up the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). In this trilogy, it is the Persecuting role that most often uses fear and control to dominate other people and situations. Sometimes this happens to us and we don’t even realize it until we are deep into the DDT.

A while ago, we had an occasion to create a new workshop, as well as a keynote speech we delivered together. As we talked about the new programs, we both offered our ideas. Even though we declared we were in brainstorming mode, both of us started advocating for our own ideas, which caused the other to feel persecuted and manipulated.

“I thought we were brainstorming,” Donna said. “We are, but I feel like you didn’t hear my idea before you started talking about yours,” David replied. Yes, we had fallen into the DDT dynamic we call “Victim, Victim… Who’s the Victim?” Fortunately, we both stopped and realized how quickly we had gone into a defensive and persecuting posture—and owned our behavior and refocused on the outcome of what we were creating.

If you discover you are frequently arguing that you are right—even while in brainstorming mode—the Persecutor may be taking root in you. Developing your own opinions is part of becoming an individualized and mature adult. However, when needing to be right is a habit, you will slow the shift from the DDT to the more resourceful TED* roles of Creator, Challenger, and Coach and the creating and co-creating process.

One tip for the Persecutor-self is to let go of the need to be right and “go against yourself.” Intentionally take the opposite position when you feel the need to be right. This will be very uncomfortable at first—which is the point of the exercise.

Notice what it feels like to move away from your own opinion. Observe what it is like to be quiet, genuinely listen to others, and consider the view from a broader vantage point and taking the opposite side.

For well-practiced Persecutors, this can be a highly uncomfortable experience. And that is the point. It is in this discomfort that you will learn how attached you are to your viewpoint and your need to control fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. Be on guard for your need to control the emotional discomfort you may feel. Continue to “go against yourself” and you will be amazed at what you learn from this simple, yet profound, exercise.

By going against yourself, you will begin the journey from Persecutor toward the more resourceful TED* role of Challenger. Challengers call forth learning and growth—for self and others. A conscious and constructive Challenger has a gift for stating what they see or feel without blame or judgment. They are the “truth tellers” in the room, yet have learned that their truth is not necessarily everyone’s truth.

As you cultivate your inner-Challenger, you will discover a new sense of personal freedom and ease, having given up the need to be right. And you might even learn something new!