Pause Practice

October 23 2020

Q-TIP — Quit Taking It Personally!

Debbie Hulbert Creator, Creator Essence, David Emerald, DDT, Donna Zajonc, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Inner Persecutor, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Pause Practice, Persecutor, Persecutor, Practices, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work change, choice, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Donna, Donna Zajonc MCC, Dreaded Drama Triangle, inner persecutor, learning, making shifts happen, mindset, Pause, Pause Practice, Persecutor, Shift, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, Victim Orientation 0

At the end of a recent workshop, Donna asked each person to share one new habit they are committed to changing. One man said, “I want to stop taking things personally.” Others finished their checkout and the workshop ended.

After the workshop, the man’s statement to not take things personally continued to echo in Donna’s mind. She also started noticing, to her surprise, how many times she took things personally. It was usually an inconsequential event, but nonetheless, she noticed that personalizing things would trigger her reactive thinking and almost always propel her into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT).

One example is when Donna received an email request to reschedule an appointment. She realized that changing the appointment impacted her other appointments for that day. Almost immediately she heard a faint, but clear, inner voice say: “I get so bothered by rescheduling appointments. Can’t they see this is causing me extra work?”

Wow! Where did that voice come from? Donna was shocked to hear this internal chatter about a simple request that had nothing to do with her personally.

She also started noticing times when she took things personally around the house. For example, if David didn’t help clean up in the kitchen after dinner, she uncovered a “He doesn’t care about me” voice, even though she said, “That’s okay. I got it.”

Thinking she was somewhat self-aware, Donna was surprised by how pervasive the self-centered inner-talk was, and found that she agreed with the man at the workshop. “I am going to quit taking it personally,” she said to herself. And suddenly she realized the letters were familiar. Q-Tip!

Quit Taking It Personally!

“What a perfect way to remind myself to keep my ears wide open for any misconception or misunderstanding about requests or actions from others. It is about them… not me,” Donna said to herself.

Taking things personally is almost everywhere these days. Just listen to the news or listen to our political leaders shouting at one another, taking every comment (or tweet) personally. Here’s a few other examples of where you might take things personally:

A client didn’t return your phone call from last week and you feel disrespected.
Your Facebook post didn’t receive many “likes.”
A package from Amazon that you expected and needed today did not arrive.
A friend invited you over for a socially-distanced visit on her deck and she only had red wine. You took it personally since you are sure she knows you only like white wine.

When you take things personally—as Donna has discovered by simply paying attention to her internal dialogue—you literally make up details about the event. In effect, you are allowing your interpretation of events, often without facts or their perspective, to become your truth.

One suggestion that Donna learned is to put a little space between you and the event that you are taking personally. When you feel yourself triggered and making it about yourself, step back. Get curious about what else might be happening.

Donna has learned that taking “me” out of the picture made more room to listen to what is going on for the other person or consider unforeseen circumstances. It allows her to be calmer and trust there’s more to a story than meets the eye. She has even come to ask herself silently about the other person: “I wonder what it’s like to be you?”

So, grab those Q-tips and keep a big box handy. They’re a great reminder to lighten up. You will lift a huge burden from your shoulders when you learn to take nothing personally!

October 9 2020

Brake Before Breaking

Debbie Hulbert Baby Steps, Business & The Workplace, Challenger, Choice, Communication, Creator, Creator Orientation, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Neurobiology, Parenting, Pause Practice, Persecutor, Persecutor, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, Stress, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Victim, Victim Baby Steps, Challenger, change, choice, communication, Creator, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, learning, making shifts happen, mistakes, Pause, Pause Practice, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, stress, TED*, The Power of TED*, Transform Drama, Victim 0

When you hit your breaking point, you may hurt the feelings of others and may say something you regret later, making a difficult situation even worse.

When you reach that moment, chances are you justify what you said or did because that is part of what happens when you reach your breaking point. It is natural to excuse your outburst, causing even more defensiveness on your part and those you likely offended.

What do you do when you reach your breaking point? Do you get angry, shout, feel overloaded, or critical? Maybe you withdraw and avoid others. Or, you may become extra nice, inauthentically trying to be pleasing, which others pick up on.

Each person has their own “go to” habits when they reach their breaking point. If you ignore these signs, you will surely get stuck in the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT), and its roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer.

When driving a vehicle, if you see a construction zone ahead, what do you do? You slow down, keep your eye on the road, read all the signs and pay attention to those directing traffic.

You can do much the same in life. You can become aware of your automatic reactive habits and avoid causing a personal accident if you learn to brake and slow down before you reach your breaking point.

If you do this when driving a car, you can do it for yourself, for your own health, and the well-being of those around you. When you anticipate your breaking point, you can “pull over” (pause) and readjust your speed and expectations.

If you see a construction zone you might get frustrated, but you also know there is nothing you can do. It is a great time to relax, turn on some music, and slow down.

Here are a few tips to learn to brake before breaking:

First, know what your “go to” reactive habits are when you are approaching your breaking point. What are your thoughts? What do you feel in your body? What emotions arise? Again, everyone is different, so pay extra careful attention to your unique signs.

Second, as you become more familiar with your signs, trust them just as you would trust the flagger directing traffic. Your body, your thoughts, and your emotions are trying very hard to get your attention, and to get you to slow down and take care of yourself.

Third, share your breaking signs with others so they are aware of your habits. This can require being vulnerable with others, because often we are ashamed of previous behaviors when we reached our breaking point. Sharing your signs and voicing them out loud to loved ones (and co-workers, if appropriate), acts as a release valve and lessens the probability of future outbursts.

Notice that breaking happens to you and in reaction to something you don’t like. When you brake, you are taking a few moments to be in self-control, slow down, and choose how you will respond.

In Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor’s famous book and TED Talk, My Stroke of Insight, she described her recovery from a massive stroke. Dr. Taylor is a brain scientist and explained that emotions take only 90 seconds from the moment they are triggered to running their course through your body. If they run any longer, it is usually because you failed to brake, pause, and allow them to move through you.

Give yourself a brake before breaking! And be a thousand times more generous with yourself than you would with your car when braking for safety’s sake.

September 18 2020

Name It to Tame It

Debbie Hulbert Challenger, Coach, Communication, Creator, Creator Orientation, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Neurobiology, Parenting, Pause Practice, Practices, Relationships, Stress, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Transform Drama, Victim, World brain, Challenger, change, choice, Coach, communication, Creator, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, learning, making shifts happen, mindset, Pause, Pause Practice, relationships, Shift, stress, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Transform Drama, Victim 0

High drama means high emotions. And when your emotions hijack you, they take over your ability to express yourself and make good decisions.

Have you ever been so upset that you feel like you are “losing your mind?” With all that is happening in the world today, many express this in various ways. Fear and uncertainty can lead to “not thinking straight.”

This happens because the part of your brain that controls your ability to communicate your unique experience can shut down, leaving you literally speechless.

The executive part of your brain doesn’t work well with strong emotions, which can frustrate you even more, locking you into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) . We have all had brilliant insights, after the fact, that we wished we would have thought of in the moment but couldn’t at the time because the language part of our brain was overshadowed by the emotional brain.

After your emotional storm passes you may feel more ashamed and victimized by the torrent of your emotions. Or you may become defensive and strike out, blaming others for the situation that caused your strong emotions and drama.

Emotions are fuel that propels you into action. Positive emotions tell you what you care about and give you energy to create what you want. Heavier, darker emotions inform you about those things to avoid and, thus, can protect you. Emotions are a core aspect of your human experience, as we wrote about last week in “The Reality of Victimization” essay.

But when emotions overwhelm you and prevent you from being the person and leader you want to be, it is important to have simple tools that can help restore your balance.

“Name it to tame it” is a phrase coined by author and psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel. By putting this simple tool to work, your emotions can inform you and not overwhelm you. Here are the basics of how “name it to tame it” works:

When you are in high drama and are having an intense emotional response, your limbic brain starts pumping stress hormones to your muscles to tighten and prepare you for action. This fight-flight mechanism is deeply wired inside your nervous system and takes over. This is a good thing if you are alone in a dark alley to help protect yourself—not a good thing if you are running a staff meeting and get angry at a co-worker.

Once you notice you are having a strong emotional reaction, the next step is to describe, or name it—whether to yourself or out loud. For example, saying mentally “I am feeling angry” or “I have a tight ball of nerves in my gut.” Choosing words to describe subtle emotions jump-starts your executive brain and calms down your emotional limbic brain.

Calmly hover over your emotions, which gives your executive brain time to filter and organize your reactive, drama-filled emotions.

Now you have a greater capacity to choose your response in the moment. This is when stepping into the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® roles of Creator, Challenger, and Coach become possible.

It is important to build your capacity to be with strong emotions. If not, you may become fearful of your emotions, especially anger, and shut them down. The cost of restricting your emotions may lead to shutting down all emotion, including your sources of joy and pleasure.

The key is strengthening your ability to monitor your emotions and body sensations by naming and taming them—not allowing them to hijack your ability to think and make good decisions—and feel the joy!

seeking to live as a Creator does not mean you are exempt from being victimized by difficult situations

September 11 2020

The Reality of Victimization

Debbie Hulbert 3 Vital Questions, Baby Steps, Baby Steps, Challenger, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Donna Zajonc, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Gratitude, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, News, Parenting, Pause Practice, Politics & Government, Practices, Stress, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation, Victimization, World 3 Vital Questions, Baby Steps, Challenger, choice, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Donna, donna zajonc, Donna Zajonc MCC, Drama, Dreaded Drama Triangle, making shifts happen, mindset, Pause, Pause Practice, Shift, stress, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

As we worked on this week’s “TED* Works!” essay, Donna received word that a long-time, very dear friend’s house had perished in one of the Oregon wildfires. At nearly the same time, she also learned that her niece had been hospitalized for dangerous pregnancy complications that requires long-term hospitalization.

The shock and grief of the news caused us to stop working on the planned piece. The result is this shorter-than-normal weekly essay.

The reality for all of us is that there are times that we experience some form of victimization. Almost everyone today feels overwhelm from a distressing situation, be it home-schooling children while still working, losing your job, health crisis, storms, fires, and so much more. For those of us in the US, today is the nineteenth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks—a reminder of more tragic events.

Victimization is a reality of the human experience.

Seeking to live as a Creator does not mean you are suddenly and miraculously exempt from being victimized by difficult situations.

In our workshops, we encourage participants to reflect upon the difference between victimization and Victimhood. Victimhood, in our view, is a way of being that can become a source of identity, living from a feeling of being powerless in face of problems. As we often say, the 3 Vital Questions^® and TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® work stands as a Challenger to Victimhood, while acknowledging the reality of victimization.

The question is how, as a Creator, do you deal with this reality of victimization?

First, from your Creator Orientation toward life, do your best to remember that you are ultimately “at choice” as to how you respond to the Challengers that arise in your human experience. The choices may be narrow, but accepting that you have the power to choose is empowering.

Second, allow yourself to feel your feelings. There were a lot of tears and sadness last night in our home. At times it is essential to “stop the presses” of your daily life and allow yourself room to feel. The pause may be momentary, or it may take extended time to move through the event. Please do not minimize the role of allowing your feelings to flow and support your healing.

You have surely had your own experiences of victimization—and may be in the midst of one now. Have heaps of self-compassion for yourself, and others, who are also experiencing their moments of victimization. As a Creator, move through it all one micro-Baby Step at a time.

These are the steps we are taking this week. We will return next week with another essay.

August 21 2020

Gratitude for an Exciting New Addition!

Debbie Hulbert 3 Vital Questions, Business & The Workplace, Challenger, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Gratitude, Inner Persecutor, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Outcome, Parenting, Pause Practice, Persecutor, Persecutor, Politics & Government, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, Stress, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation, World 3 Vital Questions, Challenger, change, choice, Coach, communication, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Drama, Drama Triangle, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, innovation, learning, listening, making shifts happen, mindset, Outcome Orientation, Pause, Pause Practice, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, stress, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

Over the years, readers have shared their stories with us about how they are applying TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® in their lives. This week we begin an exciting new feature to our weekly blog. We are capturing these stories on video and will be sharing them with you from time to time.

In the brief video below, Ann shares how a gratitude practice helped her family through the first few months of the COVID-19 crisis.

Gratitude is often called a “relationship emotion” because it exists in relationship to others, yourself, or what you are appreciating. It is a complex emotion that doesn’t stand alone because it seeds additional positive emotions.

Gratitude is the best way we know to override the fear that fuels the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). Our human psyche is strongly influenced by negative emotions which is why consciously focusing on gratitude is a game-changer.

When you are in a state of gratitude you become more expansive, open, feel lighter, and more content. In this state, you are cultivating more positive relationships with yourself, and life in general, while nourishing your Creator essence that is always present if you practice tapping into its energy.

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude has many benefits. When you are in a state of gratitude you notice that your mood lifts and you naturally focus on what you like more than what you don’t like. This energetic shift builds momentum and gives you the energy to take action toward what you care about.

These grateful moments become like a magnifying glass that enlarges your focus and connects you to the positive feelings that arise when you focus on what you appreciate. You are literally teaching your neurological system what you value, and in the process, you counter-balance your brain’s tendency to worry about problems.

Ann does a beautiful job of describing how this worked for her personally and with her family and the family business. Thank you, Ann for sharing your story and watch for more videos in the coming weeks!