Baby Steps

October 9 2020

Brake Before Breaking

Debbie Hulbert Baby Steps, Business & The Workplace, Challenger, Choice, Communication, Creator, Creator Orientation, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Neurobiology, Parenting, Pause Practice, Persecutor, Persecutor, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, Stress, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Victim, Victim Baby Steps, Challenger, change, choice, communication, Creator, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, learning, making shifts happen, mistakes, Pause, Pause Practice, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, stress, TED*, The Power of TED*, Transform Drama, Victim 0

When you hit your breaking point, you may hurt the feelings of others and may say something you regret later, making a difficult situation even worse.

When you reach that moment, chances are you justify what you said or did because that is part of what happens when you reach your breaking point. It is natural to excuse your outburst, causing even more defensiveness on your part and those you likely offended.

What do you do when you reach your breaking point? Do you get angry, shout, feel overloaded, or critical? Maybe you withdraw and avoid others. Or, you may become extra nice, inauthentically trying to be pleasing, which others pick up on.

Each person has their own “go to” habits when they reach their breaking point. If you ignore these signs, you will surely get stuck in the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT), and its roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer.

When driving a vehicle, if you see a construction zone ahead, what do you do? You slow down, keep your eye on the road, read all the signs and pay attention to those directing traffic.

You can do much the same in life. You can become aware of your automatic reactive habits and avoid causing a personal accident if you learn to brake and slow down before you reach your breaking point.

If you do this when driving a car, you can do it for yourself, for your own health, and the well-being of those around you. When you anticipate your breaking point, you can “pull over” (pause) and readjust your speed and expectations.

If you see a construction zone you might get frustrated, but you also know there is nothing you can do. It is a great time to relax, turn on some music, and slow down.

Here are a few tips to learn to brake before breaking:

First, know what your “go to” reactive habits are when you are approaching your breaking point. What are your thoughts? What do you feel in your body? What emotions arise? Again, everyone is different, so pay extra careful attention to your unique signs.

Second, as you become more familiar with your signs, trust them just as you would trust the flagger directing traffic. Your body, your thoughts, and your emotions are trying very hard to get your attention, and to get you to slow down and take care of yourself.

Third, share your breaking signs with others so they are aware of your habits. This can require being vulnerable with others, because often we are ashamed of previous behaviors when we reached our breaking point. Sharing your signs and voicing them out loud to loved ones (and co-workers, if appropriate), acts as a release valve and lessens the probability of future outbursts.

Notice that breaking happens to you and in reaction to something you don’t like. When you brake, you are taking a few moments to be in self-control, slow down, and choose how you will respond.

In Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor’s famous book and TED Talk, My Stroke of Insight, she described her recovery from a massive stroke. Dr. Taylor is a brain scientist and explained that emotions take only 90 seconds from the moment they are triggered to running their course through your body. If they run any longer, it is usually because you failed to brake, pause, and allow them to move through you.

Give yourself a brake before breaking! And be a thousand times more generous with yourself than you would with your car when braking for safety’s sake.

October 2 2020

TED* and Family Conversations

Debbie Hulbert 3 Vital Questions, Baby Steps, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Donna Zajonc, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Outcome, Parenting, Practices, Relationships, TED*, TED* @ Home, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation 3 Vital Questions, Baby Steps, change, choice, Coach, communication, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Donna, donna zajonc, Drama, Drama Triangle, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, learning, making shifts happen, mindset, Outcome Orientation, relationships, Shift, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

Lately we have heard stories of how families are exploring together the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)® book to prompt authentic and powerful conversations at home. Since the book is written in a fable format and easy to read, the lifelong lessons of learning to be a Creator are also available to younger folks.

The TED* roles give adults and children, alike, a way to embrace their best self. This week we are excited to share the notes from one of our team members who is reading the Power of TED* to her 7 and 9 year old children as part of their home schooling during the pandemic. Here is a summary of the notes she sent to us:

I read the first chapter of The Power of TED* to my two kids, ages 7 & 9. They have quite a bit of drama in their lives, including having lived through divorce.

I switched careers to be a work-from-home (step)mom. These two children are my life and need some positive reinforcements and stability in their lives. Mine and my husband’s marriage has been rock-solid and has given the kids a glimpse of how marriage should be. Respectful, fun, positive, stable, loving.

The way that TED* is written is perfect for all ages. The storytelling aspect of such a profound framework allows the children to grasp these life-changing ideas.

I asked my kids part-way through chapter 1 to give me an example of when they felt like a Victim. I wanted to respect their privacy, so I will not divulge the many, many examples I was given. Needless to say, they could relate to the Victim role.

I read on to finish the chapter and ended with Creator as the opposite of Victim. I asked them to reflect on the first chapter.

Later in the evening my son randomly shared challenges he had with his sister – especially when not at home with us. We talked through the situation with him and his older sister.

I then asked them to come up with a code word they would use only between themselves when disrespect (drama) arises. They decided on Mew (a Pokémon character). This word was to be used only when the other person was not being respectful of the other. This word would remind them to be courteous and respectful to each other, therefore (ideally) allowing them to reset and not fall into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT).

About a week later I read more chapters to them. We talked about our emotions and how focusing on an ocean (as described in the book) can help them feel calm and try to be still inside and enjoy the moment. The kids picked up on it surprisingly fast.

Today we finished chapter 4 and 5. I know you are not supposed to call someone a Victim. However, that is exactly what I did to show an example of when my son says, “I can’t do it” and huffs and puffs and throws a mini fit. This usually triggers me, and I send him to his room.

I got a huge “aha” and realized I looked to my Rescuer of silence! I am glad I am keeping my journal about homeschooling with TED*!

We’re in chapter 5 and it ended with a cliffhanger and the kids are excited to hear that there is a “good” triangle to counter the “bad.”

Thank you for this work. Kids get it so fast!

Last week we shared a video of how 10 year-old Gabby read the book and her insights. Here is the second video of that conversation. This time Gabby and her mother, Roselyn, talk together about how to apply TED* with friends and at home.

Thanks, again, to Gabby and Roselyn for agreeing to be interviewed!

September 25 2020

TED* Is Not Just for Grown-Ups

Debbie Hulbert Baby Steps, Challenger, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Parenting, Persecutor, Persecutor, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, TED*, TED* @ Home, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation, Victimization, World Baby Steps, Challenger, change, choice, Coach, coaching, communication, creativity, Creator, David, Drama Triangle, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, learning, making shifts happen, mindset, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

Earlier this week, David was on a Zoom session with a group of individuals who have read The Power of TED*. During introductions, several participants shared that they want to take the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® work to youth and into schools.

At the same time, many, many parents are faced with the reality of home-schooling their children during the COVID pandemic. We were recently inspired to learn that one of our teammates is teaching TED* to her 7 and 9-year-old children and that they are “totally getting it.”

This past summer, prior to the start of school, we received an email from a mother (Roselyn) about her experience of encouraging, Gabby, her 10-year-old daughter, to read TED*.

Here is Roselyn’s message to us:

I recall us being in our small home library when Gabby began reading TED* (after acquiescing to mommy’s week-long cajoling to take up the book), and how pleasantly surprised she was after just the first few pages. Like me, she LOVES to read, and she instantly loved that it’s told in a narrative style.

With each page turn, she got more inquisitive—interjecting her reading with musing aloud about the main character’s fate, sympathizing with the man. She instinctively began to see herself in those roles and cited to me examples of how she, and others, show up in those roles; she quickly discovered the juxtaposition of the roles: “Oh! can’t have one without the other Mommy!” she quipped, “victim–rescuer; victim-persecutor…”

David, it was such a precious gift to see her, at 10, unfolding this rich model and begin to internalize it introspectively. At one point I said to her, “Sweetheart, blessed are you for learning this now. Many people live their entire lives oblivious to these ideas. And how tragic that is!”

A little while later, Roselyn wrote:

Gabby finally finished reading TED yesterday and she’s ecstatic; she’s mulling it over as she often does when she’s completed a work… stopping to check in with new insights.

Moved by hearing about their mother-daughter experience, we asked if we could record an interview with them—to which they readily agreed!

This is the first in a two-part series from that interview about how The Power of TED* can be used by a family to initiate a conversion that will impact the lifetime of a young person. It also illustrates that TED* is not just for grown-ups!

In this video, 10-year-old Gabby shares with David her experience with the book:

seeking to live as a Creator does not mean you are exempt from being victimized by difficult situations

September 11 2020

The Reality of Victimization

Debbie Hulbert 3 Vital Questions, Baby Steps, Baby Steps, Challenger, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Donna Zajonc, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Gratitude, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, News, Parenting, Pause Practice, Politics & Government, Practices, Stress, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation, Victimization, World 3 Vital Questions, Baby Steps, Challenger, choice, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Donna, donna zajonc, Donna Zajonc MCC, Drama, Dreaded Drama Triangle, making shifts happen, mindset, Pause, Pause Practice, Shift, stress, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

As we worked on this week’s “TED* Works!” essay, Donna received word that a long-time, very dear friend’s house had perished in one of the Oregon wildfires. At nearly the same time, she also learned that her niece had been hospitalized for dangerous pregnancy complications that requires long-term hospitalization.

The shock and grief of the news caused us to stop working on the planned piece. The result is this shorter-than-normal weekly essay.

The reality for all of us is that there are times that we experience some form of victimization. Almost everyone today feels overwhelm from a distressing situation, be it home-schooling children while still working, losing your job, health crisis, storms, fires, and so much more. For those of us in the US, today is the nineteenth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks—a reminder of more tragic events.

Victimization is a reality of the human experience.

Seeking to live as a Creator does not mean you are suddenly and miraculously exempt from being victimized by difficult situations.

In our workshops, we encourage participants to reflect upon the difference between victimization and Victimhood. Victimhood, in our view, is a way of being that can become a source of identity, living from a feeling of being powerless in face of problems. As we often say, the 3 Vital Questions^® and TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® work stands as a Challenger to Victimhood, while acknowledging the reality of victimization.

The question is how, as a Creator, do you deal with this reality of victimization?

First, from your Creator Orientation toward life, do your best to remember that you are ultimately “at choice” as to how you respond to the Challengers that arise in your human experience. The choices may be narrow, but accepting that you have the power to choose is empowering.

Second, allow yourself to feel your feelings. There were a lot of tears and sadness last night in our home. At times it is essential to “stop the presses” of your daily life and allow yourself room to feel. The pause may be momentary, or it may take extended time to move through the event. Please do not minimize the role of allowing your feelings to flow and support your healing.

You have surely had your own experiences of victimization—and may be in the midst of one now. Have heaps of self-compassion for yourself, and others, who are also experiencing their moments of victimization. As a Creator, move through it all one micro-Baby Step at a time.

These are the steps we are taking this week. We will return next week with another essay.

August 7 2020

What Can an Individual Do? (Be a “Trimtab”)

Debbie Hulbert Baby Steps, Baby Steps, Business & The Workplace, Challenger, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, David Emerald, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Outcome, Politics & Government, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, World Baby Steps, Challenger, change, choice, Coach, coaching, communication, Creator, David, David Emerald, learning, listening, making shifts happen, mindset, relationships, Shift, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED* 0

“What can I, as an individual, do to make a difference to positively impact the huge issues we are facing?”

This is a question we hear in many conversations and meetings as we all face the realities of the pandemic, social inequities, systemic racism, and global warming – to name a few. The list is long, and we can feel helpless.

One of David’s all-time “Creator Heroes” is Buckminster Fuller (often called “Bucky.”) For over a decade, David has included a quote from Bucky at the bottom of his emails: “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.”

One of Bucky’s numerous inventions provides a metaphor for what you – and each of us – can do to make a difference. He challenges us to become a “Trimtab.”

There’s a wonderful article about the invention (found here) and the metaphor concept:

“Bucky told a story of when the Navy commissioned him to solve a critical engineering problem at the height of World War II. As the war raged on the high seas, ever-larger battle ships were needed to seize the advantage. As these ‘great ships of state,’ as Bucky called them, grew in size their steering mechanisms required more power to turn their rudders than their engines could produce. His revolutionary invention not only solved this crucial military problem, it created a new paradigm for human greatness.

Bucky’s invention was called a “Trimtab,” a small six-inch wide strip of metal attached by hinges to the trailing edge of a ship’s rudder. As an engine’s hydraulics force the Trimtab into the path of oncoming water, the pressure generated against it assists the rudder in making its turn. Bucky posed that like this tiny sliver of metal can alter the course of a great ship of state, you and I as little individuals can change the course of humanity (emphasis added).”

If you ever feel small or inadequate in the face of what appears to be insurmountable, become a Trimtab. As a Creator, there are Baby Steps you can take to make a difference in your world and, by extension, the world at large. The key is to start with your world—your day-to-day thoughts, actions, and relationships that are in your control.

Here are some of our thoughts about being a Trimtab:

Cultivate a daily contemplative practice. It might be a period of prayer and/or meditation, journaling your thoughts and experience, reading an inspiring “thought for the day,” or any other activity that supports your conscious awareness as you begin the day.
Set your intention. As you look ahead to your day, where and how might you engage with others in your family, friends, colleagues, and strangers to be a source of kindness, compassion, and support? Think about the appointments and opportunities the day may bring.
Reach out to others. In addition to your anticipated daily interactions, reach out to someone. It may be a friend who could use support (as a Coach, not a Rescuer); or someone from your past that you have allowed to slip away; or, perhaps, even writing to a state or national Congress-person to state an issue for which you want to offer your support.

The actions you take do not have to overtly “save the world.” Rather, your conscious and empowered acts are decisions that contribute to “turning the ship” in often unseen ways.

See yourself as a Trimtab, working to ease the pain of the world’s challengers, one step at a time, co-creating the possibility of a world that works for all.