Essays - 3 Vital Questions

October 23 2020

Q-TIP — Quit Taking It Personally!

Debbie Hulbert Creator, Creator Essence, David Emerald, DDT, Donna Zajonc, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Inner Persecutor, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Pause Practice, Persecutor, Persecutor, Practices, TED*, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work change, choice, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Donna, Donna Zajonc MCC, Dreaded Drama Triangle, inner persecutor, learning, making shifts happen, mindset, Pause, Pause Practice, Persecutor, Shift, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, Victim Orientation 0

At the end of a recent workshop, Donna asked each person to share one new habit they are committed to changing. One man said, “I want to stop taking things personally.” Others finished their checkout and the workshop ended.

After the workshop, the man’s statement to not take things personally continued to echo in Donna’s mind. She also started noticing, to her surprise, how many times she took things personally. It was usually an inconsequential event, but nonetheless, she noticed that personalizing things would trigger her reactive thinking and almost always propel her into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT).

One example is when Donna received an email request to reschedule an appointment. She realized that changing the appointment impacted her other appointments for that day. Almost immediately she heard a faint, but clear, inner voice say: “I get so bothered by rescheduling appointments. Can’t they see this is causing me extra work?”

Wow! Where did that voice come from? Donna was shocked to hear this internal chatter about a simple request that had nothing to do with her personally.

She also started noticing times when she took things personally around the house. For example, if David didn’t help clean up in the kitchen after dinner, she uncovered a “He doesn’t care about me” voice, even though she said, “That’s okay. I got it.”

Thinking she was somewhat self-aware, Donna was surprised by how pervasive the self-centered inner-talk was, and found that she agreed with the man at the workshop. “I am going to quit taking it personally,” she said to herself. And suddenly she realized the letters were familiar. Q-Tip!

Quit Taking It Personally!

“What a perfect way to remind myself to keep my ears wide open for any misconception or misunderstanding about requests or actions from others. It is about them… not me,” Donna said to herself.

Taking things personally is almost everywhere these days. Just listen to the news or listen to our political leaders shouting at one another, taking every comment (or tweet) personally. Here’s a few other examples of where you might take things personally:

A client didn’t return your phone call from last week and you feel disrespected.
Your Facebook post didn’t receive many “likes.”
A package from Amazon that you expected and needed today did not arrive.
A friend invited you over for a socially-distanced visit on her deck and she only had red wine. You took it personally since you are sure she knows you only like white wine.

When you take things personally—as Donna has discovered by simply paying attention to her internal dialogue—you literally make up details about the event. In effect, you are allowing your interpretation of events, often without facts or their perspective, to become your truth.

One suggestion that Donna learned is to put a little space between you and the event that you are taking personally. When you feel yourself triggered and making it about yourself, step back. Get curious about what else might be happening.

Donna has learned that taking “me” out of the picture made more room to listen to what is going on for the other person or consider unforeseen circumstances. It allows her to be calmer and trust there’s more to a story than meets the eye. She has even come to ask herself silently about the other person: “I wonder what it’s like to be you?”

So, grab those Q-tips and keep a big box handy. They’re a great reminder to lighten up. You will lift a huge burden from your shoulders when you learn to take nothing personally!

October 16 2020

Stuck in Habitual Pleasing

Debbie Hulbert Challenger, Creator, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Donna Zajonc, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Inner Persecutor, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Persecutor, Persecutor, Rescuer, Rescuer, Stress, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation, Victimization Challenger, choice, Creator, David Emerald, DDT, Donna Zajonc MCC, Drama Triangle, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, learning, making shifts happen, mindset, Persecutor, Rescuer, Shift, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

The need to please others is one of the most important social skills for all human beings. Appropriately pleasing one another keeps us connected and helps us to survive and thrive together. The challenge comes when your pattern of habitual pleasing is your only response to life—it becomes an obsession rather than a choice.

We are familiar with this predicament. We were raised in families with completely different backgrounds, yet we both decided at an early age that being helpful and pleasing is an effective way to go through life. It was so ingrained in our way of thinking that we often didn’t notice our internal chatter, constantly planning how to fix a situation or be helpful, even when not asked.

Playing the Rescuer role in the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT), means you may have a hyper-vigilant voice that is stuck on focusing on the needs of others over your own, in hopes you will get love and approval in return. Growing up, you may have heard: “Don’t be selfish,” or “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.” There’s nothing wrong with this guidance unless you are so rooted in a cycle of habitual pleasing you haven’t learned other ways of responding to life.

Here are a few habitual pleasing traits that drive the Rescuing role:

Your personal sense of worth is determined by what others think of you;
Conflict or seeing people unhappy triggers your desire to fix the situation;
You jump in to help, even when you are not asked or it’s none of your business;
You placate and ultimately withhold your real opinion so as not to rock the boat; and/or
You often feel exhausted by the constant obligation to be helpful and a craving to be loved.

If a few of these traits describe your way of going through life, eventually the burden of constantly needing to help becomes more of an obligation than a joy. Even worse, when stuck in the pleasing trap you may become manipulative to get your way, and then justify it by saying, “I was only trying to help!”

For those of you that do not identify with these emotional needs, have compassion for those who do. Most likely you have other strategies to get love and approval. We all do.

Admitting to yourself that you are stuck in a habitual pleasing cycle is hard. It takes a lot of courage to see that underneath it all, there is a degree of self-righteousness that you are the only one that can fix a situation.

The paradox is that your motivation to be helpful will prevent others from taking responsibility and choosing their response to situations. Ultimately those you are trying to help will likely feel victimized by your intervening, reacting to you as a Persecutor.

When stuck in habitual pleasing, you may not understand your own needs. Even though you wouldn’t want other people to ignore their needs, you are unaware of how you have eluded yours. When someone suggests focusing on your own self-care, you may privately wonder, “What is self-care? I don’t even understand what that means.”

Another popular myth you might hold is the fear you will become selfish if you focus on what supports you rather than always focusing on pleasing others. There is no need to over-react or worry that you will become selfish. Focusing on yourself and what you need is balm for your soul. When you do, you begin to see yourself and others, as Creators, living in alignment with TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic).

October 9 2020

Brake Before Breaking

Debbie Hulbert Baby Steps, Business & The Workplace, Challenger, Choice, Communication, Creator, Creator Orientation, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Neurobiology, Parenting, Pause Practice, Persecutor, Persecutor, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, Stress, TED* @ Home, TED* @ Work, Victim, Victim Baby Steps, Challenger, change, choice, communication, Creator, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, learning, making shifts happen, mistakes, Pause, Pause Practice, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, stress, TED*, The Power of TED*, Transform Drama, Victim 0

When you hit your breaking point, you may hurt the feelings of others and may say something you regret later, making a difficult situation even worse.

When you reach that moment, chances are you justify what you said or did because that is part of what happens when you reach your breaking point. It is natural to excuse your outburst, causing even more defensiveness on your part and those you likely offended.

What do you do when you reach your breaking point? Do you get angry, shout, feel overloaded, or critical? Maybe you withdraw and avoid others. Or, you may become extra nice, inauthentically trying to be pleasing, which others pick up on.

Each person has their own “go to” habits when they reach their breaking point. If you ignore these signs, you will surely get stuck in the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT), and its roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer.

When driving a vehicle, if you see a construction zone ahead, what do you do? You slow down, keep your eye on the road, read all the signs and pay attention to those directing traffic.

You can do much the same in life. You can become aware of your automatic reactive habits and avoid causing a personal accident if you learn to brake and slow down before you reach your breaking point.

If you do this when driving a car, you can do it for yourself, for your own health, and the well-being of those around you. When you anticipate your breaking point, you can “pull over” (pause) and readjust your speed and expectations.

If you see a construction zone you might get frustrated, but you also know there is nothing you can do. It is a great time to relax, turn on some music, and slow down.

Here are a few tips to learn to brake before breaking:

First, know what your “go to” reactive habits are when you are approaching your breaking point. What are your thoughts? What do you feel in your body? What emotions arise? Again, everyone is different, so pay extra careful attention to your unique signs.

Second, as you become more familiar with your signs, trust them just as you would trust the flagger directing traffic. Your body, your thoughts, and your emotions are trying very hard to get your attention, and to get you to slow down and take care of yourself.

Third, share your breaking signs with others so they are aware of your habits. This can require being vulnerable with others, because often we are ashamed of previous behaviors when we reached our breaking point. Sharing your signs and voicing them out loud to loved ones (and co-workers, if appropriate), acts as a release valve and lessens the probability of future outbursts.

Notice that breaking happens to you and in reaction to something you don’t like. When you brake, you are taking a few moments to be in self-control, slow down, and choose how you will respond.

In Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor’s famous book and TED Talk, My Stroke of Insight, she described her recovery from a massive stroke. Dr. Taylor is a brain scientist and explained that emotions take only 90 seconds from the moment they are triggered to running their course through your body. If they run any longer, it is usually because you failed to brake, pause, and allow them to move through you.

Give yourself a brake before breaking! And be a thousand times more generous with yourself than you would with your car when braking for safety’s sake.

October 2 2020

TED* and Family Conversations

Debbie Hulbert 3 Vital Questions, Baby Steps, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Donna Zajonc, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Outcome, Parenting, Practices, Relationships, TED*, TED* @ Home, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation 3 Vital Questions, Baby Steps, change, choice, Coach, communication, Creator, David, David Emerald, DDT, Donna, donna zajonc, Drama, Drama Triangle, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, learning, making shifts happen, mindset, Outcome Orientation, relationships, Shift, TED*, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

Lately we have heard stories of how families are exploring together the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)® book to prompt authentic and powerful conversations at home. Since the book is written in a fable format and easy to read, the lifelong lessons of learning to be a Creator are also available to younger folks.

The TED* roles give adults and children, alike, a way to embrace their best self. This week we are excited to share the notes from one of our team members who is reading the Power of TED* to her 7 and 9 year old children as part of their home schooling during the pandemic. Here is a summary of the notes she sent to us:

I read the first chapter of The Power of TED* to my two kids, ages 7 & 9. They have quite a bit of drama in their lives, including having lived through divorce.

I switched careers to be a work-from-home (step)mom. These two children are my life and need some positive reinforcements and stability in their lives. Mine and my husband’s marriage has been rock-solid and has given the kids a glimpse of how marriage should be. Respectful, fun, positive, stable, loving.

The way that TED* is written is perfect for all ages. The storytelling aspect of such a profound framework allows the children to grasp these life-changing ideas.

I asked my kids part-way through chapter 1 to give me an example of when they felt like a Victim. I wanted to respect their privacy, so I will not divulge the many, many examples I was given. Needless to say, they could relate to the Victim role.

I read on to finish the chapter and ended with Creator as the opposite of Victim. I asked them to reflect on the first chapter.

Later in the evening my son randomly shared challenges he had with his sister – especially when not at home with us. We talked through the situation with him and his older sister.

I then asked them to come up with a code word they would use only between themselves when disrespect (drama) arises. They decided on Mew (a Pokémon character). This word was to be used only when the other person was not being respectful of the other. This word would remind them to be courteous and respectful to each other, therefore (ideally) allowing them to reset and not fall into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT).

About a week later I read more chapters to them. We talked about our emotions and how focusing on an ocean (as described in the book) can help them feel calm and try to be still inside and enjoy the moment. The kids picked up on it surprisingly fast.

Today we finished chapter 4 and 5. I know you are not supposed to call someone a Victim. However, that is exactly what I did to show an example of when my son says, “I can’t do it” and huffs and puffs and throws a mini fit. This usually triggers me, and I send him to his room.

I got a huge “aha” and realized I looked to my Rescuer of silence! I am glad I am keeping my journal about homeschooling with TED*!

We’re in chapter 5 and it ended with a cliffhanger and the kids are excited to hear that there is a “good” triangle to counter the “bad.”

Thank you for this work. Kids get it so fast!

Last week we shared a video of how 10 year-old Gabby read the book and her insights. Here is the second video of that conversation. This time Gabby and her mother, Roselyn, talk together about how to apply TED* with friends and at home.

Thanks, again, to Gabby and Roselyn for agreeing to be interviewed!

September 25 2020

TED* Is Not Just for Grown-Ups

Debbie Hulbert Baby Steps, Challenger, Choice, Coach, Communication, Creator, Creator Essence, Creator Orientation, David Emerald, DDT, Dreaded Drama Triangle, Family, Leadership, Life Challenges, Making Shifts Happen, Parenting, Persecutor, Persecutor, Practices, Relationships, Rescuer, Rescuer, TED*, TED* @ Home, Transform Drama, Victim, Victim, Victim Orientation, Victimization, World Baby Steps, Challenger, change, choice, Coach, coaching, communication, creativity, Creator, David, Drama Triangle, Dreaded Drama Triangle, growth, learning, making shifts happen, mindset, Persecutor, relationships, Rescuer, Shift, TED* The Empowerment Dynamic, The Empowerment Dynamic, The Power of TED*, Victim, Victim Orientation 0

Earlier this week, David was on a Zoom session with a group of individuals who have read The Power of TED*. During introductions, several participants shared that they want to take the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)^® work to youth and into schools.

At the same time, many, many parents are faced with the reality of home-schooling their children during the COVID pandemic. We were recently inspired to learn that one of our teammates is teaching TED* to her 7 and 9-year-old children and that they are “totally getting it.”

This past summer, prior to the start of school, we received an email from a mother (Roselyn) about her experience of encouraging, Gabby, her 10-year-old daughter, to read TED*.

Here is Roselyn’s message to us:

I recall us being in our small home library when Gabby began reading TED* (after acquiescing to mommy’s week-long cajoling to take up the book), and how pleasantly surprised she was after just the first few pages. Like me, she LOVES to read, and she instantly loved that it’s told in a narrative style.

With each page turn, she got more inquisitive—interjecting her reading with musing aloud about the main character’s fate, sympathizing with the man. She instinctively began to see herself in those roles and cited to me examples of how she, and others, show up in those roles; she quickly discovered the juxtaposition of the roles: “Oh! can’t have one without the other Mommy!” she quipped, “victim–rescuer; victim-persecutor…”

David, it was such a precious gift to see her, at 10, unfolding this rich model and begin to internalize it introspectively. At one point I said to her, “Sweetheart, blessed are you for learning this now. Many people live their entire lives oblivious to these ideas. And how tragic that is!”

A little while later, Roselyn wrote:

Gabby finally finished reading TED yesterday and she’s ecstatic; she’s mulling it over as she often does when she’s completed a work… stopping to check in with new insights.

Moved by hearing about their mother-daughter experience, we asked if we could record an interview with them—to which they readily agreed!

This is the first in a two-part series from that interview about how The Power of TED* can be used by a family to initiate a conversion that will impact the lifetime of a young person. It also illustrates that TED* is not just for grown-ups!

In this video, 10-year-old Gabby shares with David her experience with the book: